


Confluence

by Hiragi_Houx



Category: Battle B-Daman
Genre: Angst, Canon - Anime, Dreams and Nightmares, Gen, Marda-PTSD, Orphans, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Small Children Big Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23388523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiragi_Houx/pseuds/Hiragi_Houx
Summary: He has fought his war far too long, and no war can be won with just a shield.
Kudos: 3





	Confluence

Li prides himself on how he is nigh-unshakeable, how he so rarely feels fear, does not succumb to his emotions, but now its often that all he feels _is_ fear, a sense of dread climbing from the pit of his stomach to torment him.

He wakes one night from nightmares, Marda-B's voice roaring in his head even as his eyes snap open and he reaches out into the darkness, on his lips the one word that can bring him solace. He screams Wen's name, the one comfort that has remained with him his entire life, the only thing that, despite what his insecurities whisper, can protect him from the war raging within his mind.

The door to his room slams open within moments, harsh light spilling in, only partially blocked by the silhouette standing in the door-frame. Li doesn't need to see features to know it is Wen, ever prepared to rush to his brother's aid. He is thankful as much as he hates it. Before words can even leave him the darkness returns, Wen's arms are around him in a tight-but-comforting embrace, his voice low and soft by his ear, encouraging him to _calm down_ , that he's _there_ , there's _nothing to be scared of_.

And Li realises he's sobbing.

He clings to Wen as tightly as Wen holds him, face buried into his brother's shoulder as animalistic cries and yells escape his body, simply no longer able to keep them inside. He has fought his war far too long, has kept anyone that wasn't Wen at a distance, and even then would rarely show even his dearest brother the kind of darkness that gripped his soul and refused to let go.

No war can be won with just a shield.

Wen lies him back down, even climbs under his blanket with him, and softly, in a voice that would be drowned out were the night not still and quiet, the outside cicadas even silent in their cries, he begins to sing.

It is a song from when they were children-- _B_ _ut aren't we still_ , his mind asks him, quiet, hurting, sounding much like himself at four years old, standing before that towering door with Wen by his side. It shatters Li that no, he isn't. He is no longer a child, not with this weight on his shoulder, not with this torment digging its claws into him, not with that voice booming in his mind any moment he shuts his eyes when he is alone.

Wen continues to sing. It is a song from when they were children, still with their parents. Li can scarcely remember their voices or faces, but Li can remember the song, soft, delicate, each word in their mother tongue that they have long since barely spoken in. Wen sings, and he continues to hold Li close, and Li feels like in that moment, Wen is everything. His voice is the melodic rhythm of their father, his embrace is the gentle hold of their mother, and somehow, Li finally feels safe from the demon that literally plagues his mind.

He falls asleep at some point, Wen's voice lulling him into slumber even as he fights it desperately, terrified to be thrown back into his nightmares, to be separated from his sword and back to fighting all on his lonesome.

He does not hear the voice when he falls asleep, this time. He is in Laiken, with Wen, and they stand under the comforting shade of white pine as they overlook a river, accompanied by the gentle, faint chirping of sparrows. It is not a scene unusual to him, and for a moment he believes he is truly there, simply enjoying a moment of respite with someone who managed to ground him to reality even whilst sleeping.

Wen dips his hand in the river, and Li cannot hear what Wen says, instead only the rush of the water, the rustling of leaves and branches overhead, the call of nature in all of its beauty. He smiles, shuts his eyes, and basks in it. Li is not one to take life as it is for-granted, but there is a very simple and pure bliss to be able to hear the sounds of life while he lay vulnerable, in place of the voice that plagued his very being.

His eyes open again when wetness splashes against his cheeks, and he sees Wen, grinning from ear to ear, pants rolled up to his knees as he stands in the middle of the river. Li chases him, not minding his own clothes because he is dreaming, those things will fix themselves, and the next thing he knows he is splashing Wen back, and laughter spills from his throat, silent as his brother's, but there all the same.

Things distort, for just a moment, and suddenly Wen's hair is short, his _body_ is short, his face unmarred by scarring, and as Li looks at himself in the reflection of the water, he too is younger. Much younger. They are as they were before the Alliance, before Wen learned what fighting dirty to survive really meant, before Li learned that the only way to survive was to never let anything hurt.

They are innocent, once more, and Li even smiles at it. He reaches up to his brother, brushes a stray leaf from his hair which vanishes instantly, and he's happy. He is so very happy. He feels more at home, this way, alone with Wen in the beautiful outdoors of their homeland, both as they used to be...

And yet, part of him hates that this is his dream, because even as he looks into Wen's eyes, Wen is not truly there, and he would give all he has and more for a chance to spend a moment like this in reality with him. Of course, they can return home, and visit a real river surrounded by real pine and real birds and the real ambience of nature, but they cannot with this same simple happiness.

Li fears he is too damaged by what happened to enjoy happy moments in reality with his brother any longer. He fears that, now he is no longer a child, Wen may expect them both to grow up and move on from simple respites like playing in a river together.

As they say, happiness is fleeting. His thoughts turn dark, and the sky grows gray. The water is cold, too cold entirely, and there is no sound anymore. It is pure silence. It is stifling and deafening and pure _nothing_ , and it makes Li start to choke up. Wen has stopped smiling, and stares at him like he _can't understand what's going on, they were having such fun, just a moment ago, so why_...

He feels his pulse race, feels everything grow dark and void of life and colour around them, and it is just him and Wen alone in the darkness once more. Li looks down at himself, his hands open and shaking before him, and they both are and aren't his. He sees himself as a small child, too young to know the world, to understand the desperation he and Wen had gone to to survive on their own. He sees himself as an adult, too old now to understand the things that made him happy, to understand what had led him here in the first place.

Tears spill from his eyes as he sees Wen try to speak to him, and he can yet hear nothing. It is not calming this time, it is terrifying. He wants nothing more in this moment than to hear his brother's voice.

The voice begins. It roars in his head as loud as a waterfall, and he presses his hands over his ears as tightly as he can to try and block it out, but it only grows louder. He feels as though he will be sick. He sees Wen reach for him, but there is something in the way, and he sees him yell, shout, try and kick and ram himself against whatever is keeping them apart.

Wen pants, chest heaving as he desperately tries to get air in his lungs to keep trying, no matter how defeated he looks, no matter how beat up he looks, no matter how much pain he is in, as Li can see there is blood on his hands. Wen is older now, his face starting to set into maturity. This is Wen who has been through hell and back. He presses his hands against the barrier between them, he tries to force a smile even as there are tears in his eyes. And his mouth opens, and while Li cannot hear him--

" _I'm sorry I've been such a bad brother."_

\--He can read what Wen is trying to tell him.

A bad brother...? How could Wen ever think that, when all he had ever done was look out for him, protect him, constantly putting Li's needs before his own. Li's eyes meet his brother's, and memories come to him. Memories of the Alliance, of doubting his place amongst the villainry, but still going along with it because of...

Because of Wen.

His arms fall to his sides as he continues to stare at Wen, reads the guilt on his face, and even he can't quite believe the thought that passes through his mind as he whispers silently:

" _It is your fault."_

If _Wen_ had not brought them to the Shadow Alliance, if _Wen_ had not caved to Enjyu's peer pressure and in turn pressured Li into doing what he no longer felt was right, if _Wen_ had fought _harder_ to hold Li back from leaving with Enjyu...

Then the voice wouldn't be in _his_ mind.

He can feel the darkness as hands wrapping their way across his body, choking him, trying to pull him down. All the while his mind is screaming because Wen was always trying to protect him and never let him stand up for himself, but he wasn't there for him when he needed it most. If Wen was _stronger_ , Li would be okay, but he wasn't. Wen _failed_ him, and Li feels as if he can barely breathe, it's as if he is drowning and there's no escape.

His eyes meet Wen's through the barrier separating them, and he wants to yell, to scream, to let Wen know that if he wasn't such a terrible brother, this wouldn't have happened to him, that he could have still remained a child, if only, _if only_ _\--_

" _Please, forgive me."_

Li gasps soundlessly as Wen speaks to him again, and he stumbles. He feels another voice in his mind, it is himself several years prior, the voice of himself stood outside that door. It is soft, barely there, and it repeats the same thing over and over. _Let him in._

The voices fight in his mind as he struggles to contain himself, to pick out who is who, and what is what, and then there is another memory, loud, blazing in his mind like a wildfire, impossible to ignore, painful, yet too beautiful to turn from.

They are in the forest, he and Wen. Li has decided to leave, to return to the Shadow Alliance, and Wen is on the ground in pain, utterly defeated. He had fought with every bit of strength he had to try and hold onto his brother, and he had failed. _Whos_ _e_ _fault is that_ , one voice asks while the other reminds him that _if Wen had never cared, he would never have fought him_ _in the first place_. Li knew that nothing Wen could have done would have made him stop, because...

Because he loved his brother.

Because he still does.

It was never that Wen hadn't tried hard enough to stop him, because as he envisions himself walking away from Wen, and hearing his barely-restrained sobs trail after him, he realises that his love for his brother made him strong enough to overcome the fear of returning to a place of nightmares.

His eyes open, his hands clench, and he stares at Wen, trapped behind that barrier, unreachable, too far from him. He realises that the voice _wants_ him to blame Wen, it _wants_ him to push Wen away, to be alone with nothing but just the voice for eternal company.

Just like how he had been all this time, always keeping Wen away from his own heart, his own emotions. While he learned to put up a shield against what he needed to, what he never learned was how to take it down against those who never intended to hurt him to begin with.

He knows what to do, finally, to break free of his demons.

Li reaches out, the barrier shatters as if it were glass, his hands wrap around Wen's wrist, he pulls him closer, he cries out his name--

\--And colour returns to the world, as his yell pierces through the silence, as loud and roaring as the voice that lingered in his mind. The water is warm, the sun is shining, everything is as it was. As it should be.

Wen looks down at him, and he holds it for a few moments with no change, until he smiles again, and his arms go once more around his little brother, and holds him tight and close, like it was a mistake that he hadn't to begin with.

Li looks at Wen, and he looks at himself. Neither of them are little anymore. They both appear the way they are in reality, and it... doesn't feel _wrong_. For the first time in a long time, Li feels comfortable in his own body, like he truly fits in this body made for a child.

Maybe.. just maybe, he isn't _really_ a grown up, just yet. Maybe there is still a chance left for him.

It's something he can feel when he looks up at Wen, skin marred with physical proof of the pain he has endured, but yet with a smile full of joy on his face. Li could often, and realises he frequently _has_ , forgotten that Wen has suffered as much as he has, that they went through hell and back _side-by-side_ , but Wen never let go of his dreams, the things that brought him joy.

Li smiles, ever so slightly bitterly, because while everyone has seen him as the mature one of the two, he's acutely aware in this moment that Wen really is the bigger brother, and has lived his life far more maturely. Wen has not allowed his experiences to take away his childhood happiness, no matter how hard they tried to rip it from him, and Li knows that he himself did not fight back; he had always assumed it was an inevitability.

He wraps his arms tighter around Wen, and feels content. Maybe he's not going to be over what happened, maybe it'll be a long time before he can sleep without fear of that voice seeping into his mind and trying to convince himself of his solitude, of his doubts, but he feels like he is no longer alone with it.

"Li." Wen's voice is loud against the backdrop of birds and insects and water and wind, but it does not startle him. It is a comfort. "Thanks, bro, for believing in me."

Li looks at Wen, and the world grows brighter around them, and he feels he know things are coming to an end. He knows he is still dreaming, and part of him will be sad to leave, to part from this Wen who loves him as dearly as the real one does, but there is a joy in returning to reality, now that he knows when he truly sees Wen again he will be unarmed, and ready to reach out for him.

"I think that's my line, brother." He says softly as the world around him fades to white, the last thing he sees being Wen's smile, brighter than the sun itself.

He awakes in Wen's arms, can feel where his tears dried on his cheeks, can feel the tight grip around him that promises him safety and solace. Li smiles, in reality this time, and looks upon Wen's face as he sleeps. He is happy to see that he is resting peacefully, features relaxed and making him look much like the child he is-- that they _both_ are.

He feels a little bit bad about waking him, but the sun has risen, casting a gentle pale orange glow on Li's room, and he knows it's bad to let Wen get used to sleeping in. He can't allow Wen to slack off, he smiles to himself.

"Big brother." He whispers, gently shaking Wen's shoulder. "Time to wake up."

It is a few moments before Wen starts to grumble, and a few moments more before he opens his eyes. He looks down and catches sight of Li, and gives him a squeeze and a gentle smile. "Mornin', Li." He murmurs, voice still tired, but tone gentle all the same.

He doesn't ask but Li can read him all the same; he wants to know if he's alright.

"Thank you, for being there for me." He hides his face against Wen as he speaks, a little shy to be so open with his emotions after trying his best to put a mask of indifference over them for so long. "The truth is, even after we defeated Marda-B, I can still... hear his voice in my head."

He hears Wen gasp, but makes no further sound. It's a silent encouragement for Li to continue, but it doesn't stifle him. Wen does not expect an elaboration, nor does he demand it. He will take it if it's given, but he will not pressure Li to speak.

"When I'm alone, I... I hear him. It scares me, more than anything. He tells me you're... you're a bad brother to me." And he knows that's upset Wen because the arms around him tighten their grip momentarily. "He tries to convince me that everything that's happened to me... to us... is your fault."

Underlying was always a faint feeling of resentment towards Wen for how their lives panned out, but his rationally always made quick work of it, of his doubts, of anything that tried to paint Wen as a villain in his life. When Li was himself, he was smart, he knew better, that Wen never planned for things to go wrong, could never have known what would happen, and how he just wanted them to have a chance of a better life... But he was no longer fully himself, he supposed. A part of Marda-B lingered under his very being, and it latched onto the things that he otherwise could ignore or push away, things that he knew never mattered in the grand scheme of things.

It warped and twisted how he felt towards Wen, and tried to drive them apart.

But even then, it wasn't entirely his fault. He thinks about his dream, and he can still see Wen, hurt, but even so still smiling at him even though he's stained in his own blood. Wen trying to reach out to him, but Li always keeping him away. Even before Marda-B invaded his mind, Li had been pushing Wen away while Wen kept fighting against it. He had never planned to keep Wen at arm's length, but the way he dealt with everyone else ended up making its way to his brother.

And even now, as he feels Wen's arms around him, can hear his heartbeat right in front of him, is reminded of the fact they both still exist despite it all, he knows Wen does not blame him for it.

Admitting what has been happening is the first step, he supposes, and maybe the hardest one to take, but he has taken it. He wants to be strong, like Wen. He wants to protect him, too. He wants his heart to heal itself as much as it can, and he knows that he doesn't have to do it alone.

"Li... I had no idea."

Wen sounds hurt, and yet Li knows it is only because Wen cannot stand the idea of anything hurting his brother. He likely isn't even thinking of the fact that Li has hidden this from him for so long.

"I wasn't sure how to tell you."

"It's okay. It's okay, Li. I'm here, I'll help you through this." Wen pulls back to look Li dead in the eyes. There is seriousness on his face and Li wants to cry because he isn't sure how he could have a wonderful brother like Wen and still have allowed any part of himself to doubt him. "I know I've not been the best brother to you, and I've kind of been overprotective, but I... I just don't want to lose you too."

Li understands, when Wen puts it like that. It was always part of Wen's burden. Wen, who could remember their parents so vividly, who knew what life was like with them, to be part of a proper family. And then he became Wen, orphan, older brother, fighting for not only his survival but for Li's too. And Li was little, too little to understand, to help, to do anything but be cared for. He had to depend on Wen, whether he liked it or not.

Wen did not protect Li to baby him. He did not protect him because he doubted Li's own capability. It was just part of his nature, and one he could never truly give up on. Li was all he had left, and he would gladly die before allowing anyone or anything to hurt him. He would fight until his last breath, until he could no longer move, until he had spilled his last drop of blood.

And because of this, "You have been the best brother," Li admits, offering Wen a smile, to his surprise. "And I know I can overcome this. I can defeat him, just like we defeated the real thing."

Wen looks startled, and before he can even speak, Li smiles wider and interrupts.

"But I would very much like my brother to be there to fight with me."

Wen's smile is as radiant as it was in his dream. He buries his face into Li's hair and squeezes him so tight he might snap him in two. "That's my lil bro!" He chirrups happily, voice laced with what Li can only describe as pure bliss.

He supposes that Wen has missed him. The actual him, that is, and not the confused mess he has been for so long that he wondered wether he was still 'Li' or not. He supposes he too has missed him, and there is a definite relief to have him back.

Li pulls out of Wen's arms after much much _much_ struggling, his brother just too happy to relinquish his freedom, and pulls his curtains wide. He sees the world outside, bright, vibrant, bigger than anything he can believe. He hears the wind rustling in the trees, the chirping of birds, and it feels right.

Everything feels right, and he turns to Wen.

"Hey, let's go to the river."


End file.
